


Different

by living_dead_parker



Category: Doctor Strange (2016), Iron Man (Movies), Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Gen, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Howard Stark's Bad Parenting, Hurt Peter Parker, Hurt Tony Stark, Implied/Referenced Suicide, IronDad and SpiderSon, Irondad, Lots of Angst, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Wanda Friendly, Parent Pepper Potts, Parent Tony Stark, Pepper Potts Needs a Hug, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Post-Endgame, Precious Peter Parker, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, angsty, but it's implied, but only slightly - Freeform, it's actually not super unfriendly, kind of bittersweet ending, no one actually kills themselves though, not team Cap friendly, sort of fix it, spiderson, suicide warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 07:55:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18406391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/living_dead_parker/pseuds/living_dead_parker
Summary: Tony is different.Peter was the first to notice.The way that the smile never reached his eyes anymore, the way his quips became less sarcastic and witty until he ultimately stopped coming up with them. He began to refer to people by their names rather than shitty nicknames, he began to sleep less again. He began to eat less again, delved into his work and all his interaction were curt.





	Different

**Author's Note:**

> This is just me really letting all my feelings out lmao but you can kind of sense I don't like Wanda but not a lot so yeah. Also, there are mentions of suicidal thoughts and yeah. It's not super graphic but there are examples of suicide, so just a warning! I also wanna say that Tony deserves so much better!
> 
> Also, I love Iron Man, but I do kind of wish Tony retires bc he deserves so much better than the Iron Man life gives him, so keep that in mind!!

Tony was different. Has been for the past six months. 

Peter's noticed. Pepper, Rhodey, Natasha and everyone else has noticed. No one could exactly pinpoint what it is, but they wouldn't doubt it had to do with the whole Thanos ordeal. Most of the team wasn't sure why he couldn't move past it; they got everyone back, they mended bridges, and they were functioning as a team should. Tony got married, Pepper finally got pregnant and is due in two months. 

Tony is different. 

Peter was the first to notice.

The way that the smile never reached his eyes anymore, the way his quips became less sarcastic and witty until he ultimately stopped coming up with them. He began to refer to people by their names rather than shitty nicknames, he began to sleep less again. He began to eat less again, delved into his work and all his interaction were curt. The only people he had any long and genuine interactions were Pepper, Peter, Rhodey, May, and Happy. His inner circle. Occasionally he'd also interact with Harley. Those were the interactions he was more than welcome for. 

However, he was still different even to those he so desperately loved. 

It's the year anniversary of watching the kid he loves disappear in his arms. Tony is scared to sleep, let alone blink. Every time he closes his eyes, the visions come flashing back. Those of his team dying, those of losing Pepper, those of losing Peter and Stephen. How so attached he got to the man in that short time was damn near terrifying, but not as terrifying as watching him and the kid disappear into thin air. 

He knows they're back, he knows they're alive and healthy. He checks up on everybody. Tony wishes he could say the same. Not everybody checks up on him. He feels selfish thinking that, knowing full well that at least everyone's back. But how can he go on when the people he cares for don't show they care back. Is it selfish, though?

"Mr. Stark?" the familiar pubescent voice asks, making Tony's heart skip a beat. At least he's here.

"Yeah, kid?" 

There's a silence as Peter walks into the lab, looking around the enormous room to notice any changes. Peter hasn't stepped foot into the lab since coming back as he feels Tony deserves somewhere to be alone every once in a while. It was when Peter came back that he realized it was Tony's haven for solitude. But was solitude really something Tony needs more of?

That's when Peter notices the empty bottles of scotch and whiskey, the scattered pill containers; Klonopin and various other downers. Peter's eyes widen, concern filling every fiber of his being. He knows how big it was that Tony was clean, and he never knew Tony as someone to abuse prescription drugs. Or drugs of any sort, really. However, he just assumes he's taking them as advised. 

"It's pretty late," Peter begins, looking back over at Tony. He scratches the back of his head with one hand, rubbing his eyes with the other as a yawn escapes his lips. He wears the hello kitty pajamas Tony had given him that one time and a random science pun tee. "I'm sure Pepper would appreciate if you fell asleep in bed with her for once." 

Tony doesn't respond. He doesn't know how to. What does he say to that? 

In fact, he feels shitty about another thing now. He hasn't slept in a bed in a long time, but he hasn't slept next to Pepper in a while. He just gives her the impression he'll go to sleep, or that he did sleep, but he never does. However, when he does, it causes concern to Pepper and Peter. Rhodey too. One time, he fell asleep for a good two days. Peter felt like he had to stay by his side.

"I don't mean to make you feel bad about that," Peter speaks up again, slowly stepping closer to Tony's hunched form. He sits in front of large blueprint paper, pencil in hand but doesn't seem to draw anything up on the original design. "It's just we're all concerned, Mr. St-"

"Please, stop-" Tony begins, his tone coming off slightly rude. When he notices the kid slumping down a bit, almost visibly deflating, he bites his tongue. His frown goes soft and his head hangs low. "-calling me that," he continues, however this time, it's less venomous. "Tony is fine by me, Pete."

Peter nods, pulling up a chair next to Tony and looking over at the drawing. Another prototype for Peter's suit. The words 'Indestructible' and 'thrusters' highlighted at the top. Peter frowns, seeing a completely new design for his suit. 

"Tony," Peter begins softly, his voice almost like a whisper. "I'm not gonna ask if you're okay because I know you're not. But please," Peter pauses as he takes in a deep breath. He feels his eyes glossing over, knowing that this question can go one of two ways. Tony either dismisses him or "tell me what's wrong. Be honest, please?" 

"I don't want to live anymore," he tells the truth.

Peter huffs, not fully braced for what he's hearing. He knows Tony's not okay, he knows Tony silently kills himself every night, but he didn't really think Tony would ever actually think of doing it. 

"Can I ask why?" Peter timidly inquires. 

Tony sighs, looking down at the blueprints, shaking his head. He's already said too much. He can't just drop all his problems on the kid. First of all, the kid isn't even his. Second of all, it's unfair to Peter. That Peter has to listen to Tony's problems, but god he just wants to confide in someone, and while Pepper is the most understanding person ever, she's pregnant and asleep and she doesn't deserve this added stress. She doesn't deserve seeing Tony in this state because she deserves so much better. Someone who can stay sober and stay strong. But before he can stop himself, he's spilling. The words and tears flowing out like a waterfall. 

"It's just so hard. So fucking hard, and I can't handle it anymore," Tony rants, his eyes glossing over. He shakes his head, letting out a shaky sigh. "I thought that I could be strong, I've done it so many times before. But it's getting so hard to breathe again and it's getting hard to be okay."

Tony goes silent again and Peter lets the silence sit. He refuses to speak until Tony's done. He just wants to listen. Maybe it's because this is the most he's heard Tony's voice in the past six months, but maybe it's also because Peter can sort of relate and he wants to begin articulating thoughts in his mind, to reassure Tony. But deep down, Peter knows it's both. 

"Every time I close my eyes, I see it all over again. If it's not the little witch's visions, if it's not thoughts of Pepper being taken away from me, then it's the sight of you-" a choked sob cuts Tony off, making him take a deep breath. "-and Strange, and it's terrifying. My mind finds ways to replay it all so different, yet all the same. I can't close my eyes because if I do, I see it all again and it's scary. I want the thoughts to stop, I want it all to go away and if ending it all stops it then so be it."

The room is silent again and Tony refuses to look over at the kid. However, from his peripheral, he can see Peter sitting on a rolling chair with his knees tucked into his chest. Tony feels his chest heaving and another sob escapes past his lips, echoing off the walls. Peter wipes the tears from his eyes as he notices the ones under Tony's.

"I say I'm over it all, but no one can truly get over it. I can't get over seeing James kill my parents, I can't get over Steve hiding it from me and lying to me. I can't get over Thor's hand wrapped around my neck and I can't get over Obadiah. Sometimes, I think his men should have killed me. I shouldn't have fought back. I can't forget about that fucking wormhole and I can't get over being lost in space. How terrifying that was for me. I think about it all and I want to tear my skin off, I want to just down every last pill in that bottle, but I don't. I don't because I'm too scared to do it. Which is fucking stupid because I've welcomed death so many times, I've danced with death but now the idea of it seems to be paralyzingly horrifying.

"I know I should be happy. I know I should. You and Strange are back, I'm finally married to Pepper, the team is back and on speaking terms. Hell, I'm gonna have a daughter! But I can't seem to be happy. I can't seem to let go and move on, it's stuck in my head on repeat. It feels like life taunting me. Like I'm lost in the middle of the ocean and the waves keep pulling me under yet it never ends. Now I fear space and the ocean and everything else. I'm always thinking that this is payback for something I did, but I can never pinpoint what. I shouldn't be alive, I should be six feet under. I should have never come back. I just want out, I'm tired of it all."

The room goes silent. The tension is thick and Peter's mind is still reeling. Still looking for the words. But he knows there are none. Not ones to cure and fix everything at least. Tony's traumatized, his PTSD is severe. He's not okay and Peter knows he can't fix him. No one here can. At least not immediately. 

However, Peter notices that Tony's sobbing his heart away. His chest heaves and his sobs come out as gasps for air. Peter moves closer to Tony and pulls the older man into his arms. Peter makes sure to wrap his arms tight around Tony and he whispers calmly and sweetly into Tony. Nothing too drastic, just simples reassurances he's used on Ned and May before. Sometimes even himself. 

"I'm here, I'm not going anywhere," Peter whispers softly as he rubs Tony's back. Admittedly, Peter's been here before since coming back. The first time was May, she damn near had a heart attack as she cried her energy away. She still gets those attacks every once in a while, but it's not as bad. The second time was Ned and his attacks were more intense. He was one of those that got dusted, but he was alone, couldn't find anyone he knew. When he found out Peter dusted too, it felt all too real and he still has panic attacks about it. He still gets nightmares, but they're not as frequent anymore. 

Finally, after ten minutes, Tony's breathing goes back down to a semi-normal level. His breathing is still slightly labored and he's still, silently, sobbing. But he's slowly coming back. Peter looks over at the older man and sighs, still holding him in his arms.

"You're stronger than you think, Tony. I promise you, you're so damn strong and none of us could ever fill your shoes. Bucky might be a close second, but realistically, none of us could ever fill your shoes. To go through everything you did from such a young age, that's got to be the most terrifying thing ever. The hardest thing ever, but you've come so far. You're still here and you're still kicking it. I am constantly thanking someone for you. For the fact that you still keep me around and that you're still here.

"You don't deserve what you've been through, but bad things happen to good people all the time for no reason. I can't explain why all of this has happened to you, but I can say that you're not deserving of this," Peter pauses and let's go of Tony to look at him. "Since coming back, I've wanted to end it a couple of times as well. I was having nightmares, I was lonely and anxiety was pulling me down. Everything scared me and it felt like reliving Ben all over. That there was a big threat I could have avoided, but I didn't. But I saw how much Ned and May needed me. And while Michelle never confessed this, I know she needed me too. I couldn't just end it because I wasn't the only one suffering. I knew the thing was that I had to heal with people. Not isolate myself and pray that death swallow me whole. I had to learn to cope with people. May put me into therapy and slowly but surely, it's getting easier. Not better, it never gets better. Just easier.

"Tony, we love you. I don't know about Steve, Sam, or Nat. I don't know about Wanda. But Pepper loves you, Rhodey loves you, Harley, Happy, and May. They all love you and they're all rooting for you. I love you, Tony. I care about you, you're like a father to me. And as selfish as this might sound, I'm not giving up on you because I don't want to lose out on another father. I don't want to lose out on a mentor, a genius, someone who has saved the world. You saved the world, Tony! How many people can say that? People should be praising you because you deserve that. Morgan will be here soon and she deserves a dad. Growing up without one is hard. You of all people know that-"

"I had a da-"

"Barely! He wasn't a dad. He was an asshole, admit it, Tony. Fuck Howard, just say it. Fuck him, he wasn't a dad. He didn't care about you and you're not to blame. You were just a kid! You were just a kid and he didn't seem to care. But I know you can be a dad, you've been one to me and to Harley. But it's okay to miss him. It's okay to wish you still had a dad because you deserve one. Hell, I'll be your dad, reverse the role!" 

Tony let's out a chuckle at the kid's words. The kid sure knows how to get to him.

"Tony, there's so much I can say," Peter paces around the room. He feels exasperated, wanting Tony to just get it into his head. "Really, but I know that none of it can fix anything. All I can say is heal and live for yourself. Live and heal because you want to see Morgan, because you want to see a world where the pain stops, because you want to see me graduate and maybe have another kid with Pepper. But most of all, live and heal because you want to. Because you want to see tomorrow. To see another sunrise and sunset, to smell shwarma again and to taste coffee again. Live for both the big and the little things, before you do take that final dance. Just please, take care of yourself. Get help, use your technology, really fix your relationships, and just spend more time with love."

Peter sighs as he finishes his speech, slumping down in the chair. He looks over at Tony and pulls him in for another hug. Tony wraps his arms around Peter's thin frame, pulling him in as well. Tony sighs, taking in the boy's scent. The feeling of his labored breathing, everything. Tony continues crying, feeling safe to do so in the kid's arms. The two sit in silence and just stay in the moment. 

Peter knows what day it is. That's why he walked into the room, to begin with. He had a nightmare and he was so scared he'd disappear again, he wanted to see Tony before it happened again. He wanted to say bye to Tony before he disappeared, but when he didn't he knew he still had to be there for Tony.

"Please, go to bed with Pepper. Sleep next to her and in the morning, we'll go visit Strange and we'll go on a run together and catch up. We'll go to some random place and get lunch and we'll g0 to an arcade and have fun. We'll spend the day together and forget about it all. But please, get some sleep and please please please, stop drinking and stop abusing your medication. I beg of you, stop." Peter cries again. Tony's eyes gloss over as he rests his forehead on the boy's forehead. He nods, promising he'll try to stop.

"Can you answer me one question?" Tony asks the teen as he pulls away from his embrace. Peter nods, looking over at the man. There's a silence as Tony contemplates it. "What should I do? To really achieve being happy?"

Peter sighs, looking down at the blueprints. The suit looked a lot like Tony's mark suits, just with a spider in the center. Tony is slowly but surely trying to turn Peter into something Peter is not, and Peter just knows. He knows it won't end well.

"Be Tony Stark," Peter begins. "Iron Man might be recommended for the Avengers, but Tony Stark is not and for good reason. Being Iron Man has got to be a gift for you, but it's also a curse. I think it's time someone else takes over saving the world, you've had your run." 

Tony nods, looking over at the blueprints. He didn't like them. He knew he was trying to turn Peter into something he's not and it isn't right. Peter is the friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. He deserves to remain as such.

"Maybe it is time to put the saving to rest. I've done enough and I've been through enough. Pepper doesn't deserve it, Rhodey doesn't deserve it. Morgan doesn't and neither do you."

"You're missing someone else. Someone so important."

Tony looks at the kid, giving him a sideways glance laced with confusion. Until it hits him. A sigh escapes his lips as he looks over at the kid fully. "I don't deserve it either."

The next day, Peter wakes up and sees Tony on TV. The whole team is sitting around the common room watching. Stephen is even there, to pick up Peter and meet Tony on the way. As Peter said, they'd be spending the day together, catching up. Peter nervously watches as Tony sighs, ending the long silence.

"I am no longer Iron Man."

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on Tumblr: living-dead-parker


End file.
